I recently had a situation with a friend unexpected blow up in my face and she basically told me that I was no longer welcome in her presence. The details aren’t particularly important in the context of this post, it’s pretty standard life stuff. Conversation (in text, of course, because it always is) on a topic that we weren’t necessarily seeing eye to eye on. It was already pretty tense for me because I felt I probably offended her because I had started the entire thing in a pretty judgmental voice and she apparently disagreed with me and I respect her and didn’t want to insult her.
Conversation continued and was slamming against me in wave against wave and before I even knew it, I was in waters too deep for me to handle. So, I did the rational thing.
“It seems I may have hit a nerve here and you may potentially be upset and it doesn’t seem like this conversation is going to be productive, so I think it’s better if we just stop here”.
And here is where I got the bomb that I never expected (and probably should have).
“I thought we were just having a friendly conversation but now you’re saying that I’m angry”
No, that’s literally not what I said. You can read it, it’s right there in writing. I said what I meant, I meant what I said. I don’t feel that I can productively partake in this conversation if we continue so I need to stop. I am out of my depth and need to stop.
But now I’m the bad guy again. For things I never said.
So I try to make it right, right? Because I’m autistic and that is my curse, I do not know when to stop even when I already said I need to stop. And you just said that I said something that I didn’t say.
So here I am correcting you on what you said that I just said. And here I go doing that thing that ends friendships because people don’t understand it.
“No, I didn’t say you were angry, that’s why I intentionally used the word potentially. I did not feel that this was a friendly conversation and I respect you and wanted to leave this in good feelings and as such I wanted to leave this conversation because I’m out of my depth. Go figure that the autistic lady has no idea what the other person in this is feeling”
“Go chat with <other people> somewhere I’m not”
So there I was, thirty something years old, immediately crushed and sobbing like I was 10 years old in elementary school again. I don’t understand what happened. I can analyze it and begin to see what she felt but I really don’t understand what happened and why me literally telling her what I meant is bad.
It’s a huge reminder that this is the first time I’ve broached making close friends in a long time. And why I haven’t really. It makes you vulnerable. And when shit like this happens, it makes you feel lost and worthless. It reminds you that you really aren’t “normal” whatever in the fuck that means.
And everyone just listens to me and can’t tell me what I did wrong. They just tell me that they understand both sides. I sobbed for 2 hours over a friend rejection over something absurdly dumb that should have been resolved as a miscommunication. Instead, I’ll think about this for weeks and probably never be able to really be myself around this person ever again, even if she ever speaks to me again, because I will not be the one reaching out. She made it clear that she does not want me in her space.